10 Things I Won't Miss About Being Fat

 By: Charlie    10:19 AM     1 comment

Everyone knows the obvious reasons for losing weight. Be healthy, live longer, look better, feel better, yada, yada, yada. But what about the less tangible things that actually impact your daily life? Here's a list of things I won't miss about being fat...

1. Airplane Seats - Every time I board an airplane I think there are hidden cameras and Ashton Kutcher will pop out any minute to tell me I've been Punk'd. Surely this is a joke and those aren't the actual sizes of the seats, right? I've never been big enough to need the Seat Belt Extender-of-Shame but I am big enough to hope and pray that Delta has seated a 30-pound tween next to me and not someone like me who hit Sbarro on the way to the gate.

2. Clothes Shopping - Men of my...ummm...girth are caught in a black hole of clothing sizes. My waistline teeters on the precipice of "normal" sizes but if I try shopping in the Big and Tall section I end up looking like Jared from Subway with his jeans that could double as a 8-person tent. There's no in-between for the fat but not yet THAT fat guy. It'll be nice to get back into sizes that are actually found on the shelves in most stores so I can stop ordering clothes entirely online.

3. People Saying 'You're Not Fat' - Although, I imagine they'll still say, "I never thought you were fat." See, I think the reason we have an obesity problem in this country is that fat is OK. It shouldn't be. It's not OK to smoke or do drugs or other things that destroy your body so why is it OK to inject yourself daily with french fries and chicken grease like it's some kind of edible heroine? At any rate, you don't have to lie to me. I know I'm looking at a normal Body Mass Index in the rear view mirror.

4. Hating Myself After a Meal - I can't say this will never happen again but most of you know what I'm talking about. It's that feeling you get after you hit the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. For the second time. After you already ate three plates of fried chicken, fried shrimp, and steak. My self-esteem drowned long ago in a big bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

5. Being the Fattest Guy in the Room - You don't notice this until it's you. Then you suck in your gut and tell yourself that you're fat but you wear it well because of your muscular build and baggy clothes. It's not true but it takes your mind off the fact that, should you all become trapped in that room, you are the person who could feed the most people if it comes to that.

6. Sore Feet and Back - Fat Charlie does not understand why some people feel the need to walk to lunch when there's a perfectly good car outside and a parking lot at the restaurant. Or why take the stairs when there's an elevator right in front of you? Constantly pushed by friends, colleagues, and myself to walk more or take the stairs I am then rewarded for my "exercise" with a sore back and feet that feel like I just climbed Everest.

7. Pill Organizer - I was barely 30 when I got my first pill organizer. To be honest, my obsessive compulsive side kind of likes having something that neatly arranges my multiple medications for blood pressure, cholesterol, vitamin D deficiency, etc. Of course, I'm far too young to be needing these things and I'm hoping at least some of these meds will go the way of the buffalo wing.

8. That Awkward Moment When You Order a Double Quarter Pounder and a Diet Coke - Yeah, I'm that guy. I switched to drinking diet soda years ago and lost a bunch of weight. The weight came back but my taste for regular soda did not. So now I'm reduced to ordering the double-burger meal with large fries and a diet soda and then watching the employees try not to smirk or roll their eyes. It's the reason Grimace should have punched Ronald in the face years ago.

9. The Shirt of Shame - As the father of two young children I am regularly dragged to the pool, especially on vacations. This leaves me with few options. I could join my kids at the pool but not swim. Anyone with a 5-year-old knows how much he's going to love that (sarcastic eye roll). I could refuse to go to the pool (my preferred tactic). Or I could cannonball in like the fat kid in The Sandlot while wearing the Shirt of Shame. You've seen me and others like me. We wear our shirts in the pool to cover up chests that rival about half the females in the vicinity but without the shirt we look like an albino wookie that ate Jabba the Hutt.

10. Spendin' All My Loot - In my field you hear a lot about how families can't afford to eat healthy and there's truth to that. It shouldn't cost more for some broccoli than it does for bag of Grippos. Still, for me, it's been eating out that's been a primary culprit and this healthier lifestyle is bound to save me some cash. I've always envied the guy in the office who is perfectly content eating hummus on sprouted bread. In fact, I often discussed this with him while eating The Caniac with extra toast and Cane's sauce.

Here's hoping you have a Merry Christmas and Pill Organizer Free New Year! Remember, if you haven't formally pledged your support please click on the link above to sign up and join the Pounding Poverty Team!